The effects of premature injury and trauma on sexuality and desire (part 2)

Een vrouw op bed met een kussen over haar hoofd

The pleasure of discovering

Desire goes hand in hand with the joy of discovering something and going out into the world. Desire is closely related to discovery behavior: with curiosity, with a longing for the unknown, with going out into the world and wanting something from the world. A child exhibits more exploratory behavior when it is certain that the person to whom it is attached is available at all times to deal with emotional turmoil - trauma rather than desire. And that completes the circle around early injuries and developmental trauma. Trauma and insecure attachments usually prevent the child from discovering the world with pleasure. It does not dare, because it lacks the safe ground or protection of the caretaker. This also applies if the caregiver indicates that it is better to stay where you already know everything, because the outside world is a dangerous place. A great English lecture about this by Esther Perel (For Dutch subtitles, there is an option at the bottom right of the video. Click on the symbol that looks like a speech bar and set “Dutch”.)

Safety becomes more important than liveliness

For example, when we were not lovingly accepted as babies or toddlers, or when we were in an incubator after birth, we have had terrifying experiences. When we have been alone this early, our life energy withdraws into the bones. The crazy and very sad thing is that we associate desire and expansion with destruction. Then I think if I open up, destruction will surely come.There's a lot of tragedy in life here, but it's good to know. You can better understand that nothing is wrong with you, but that it is the consequences of trauma. Our exploration (expression), our expansion is prevented, and with it our longing for life or for another. And it also has an effect on our sexuality, which is actually an expression of life energy, of lust and joy in another. In this way, children learn from an early age to choose certainty instead of expansion, for withdrawal instead of from for exploration.

Protection from humility and dependence

Another factor that negatively affects our lust for the world and our desires can be lack of care and fulfillment of basic needs. Our physical and / or mental needs are not being met, these are apparently unimportant to caregivers. Children stay “hungry” all the time and some then decide very early on that they don't want to remain dependent on others - they limit and deny their needs to stop feeling dependent or humiliated. All this can lead to people not wanting to do anything anymore. They cease to desire, they are content and their greatest asset is their own safety.

Is that enough for you?

For some people this can be a fulfilling life, but for others it feels like a limited, oppressive life.This tightness can also affect love relationships, because there too, the desire falls asleep after a short time and safety is sacrificed. The “need” of the other is stopped. Love relationships, in particular, consist of the union of the paradox: we seek and fall in love with the strange and exciting in the other and then want the familiar and safe ... Only when both are allowed does it remain There are friction points where things get tight and where there is a lot of pain and fear. Maybe it helps you locate yourself a little better, understand yourself better, and have a little more compassion for you.


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